corona and lime

i love that im getting back into my music.
so many ideas, and sounds, and lyrics in my head.
im actually having trouble sorting them through and getting to them. it sucks
but im starting to get into a routine of practicing. ive never been one to sit down and actually practice. but im going to force myself too. im going to start saving money for a new computer so i can record my music. as of now my computer is no longer a reliable source of storage of music. its about to die.
good friends equal good times.
my body is exhausted, i actually slept through a tornado sunday night. thankfully it wasn't too close to us. hah.
...
good think i have another day off before i have to go back to work.

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i often wonder, if things had been different, what do you think would happen.
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i need to get my music out of my head. i think it would help me.
hope you all are doing well. love you, and miss you.

-you can be my corona and lime, and i will be your main squeeze-

what does sleep feel like?

i honestly do not know anymore.
these are some songs and random lyrics i've written lately.
enjoy.



where do my nights go as they fade into the morning light
why did all the dreams and stories leave my little head

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i wish i could move the stars,
i'd write you little words
to make the days seem not so long
oh, oh, oh
our nights would last forever
fireflies would dance around us
lighting our whole world
lets run away tonight
into the air, we'll lose our way
and never turn around
oh, oh oh
distant cries would call to us
come on,
fly back down
but no, oh, oh
we'd never turn around

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and just when i thought i had it all figured out,
every face in all the trees stand laughing at me.
as if im the only one
who doesn't know whats going on.
if thats so, i'd rather not care

i swear, i walk around,
there is no intelligence in those eyes
i am afraid to call you my own.

now get it back
dont ever lose it
dont let go
i fell in deeper then i ever meant to go
i saw it all
the end, of everything i've come to know and love in this world.

if you could see what i see now
you'd wish your mind could shut it out

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"Dear Mother"

dear mother let me tell you about my dreams last night
full of sound, color and full of light
full of wonders not yet heard of
they all seem to come from my own little head
tell me honest mother,
do you ever think i'll ever get to be the one i know i am to be inside?
because i cannot hide anymore
i'll tell you everything i learned last night

dear mother let me tell you about my day
climbed the clouds and played hide and seek with all the stars
tell me honest mother,
what comes after outer space?
mother i learned something important today
people can be mean and they can hurt
but so can i, so please dont lie
are we really meant to be so cruel?
i'll tell you everything i learned today

dear mother may all your days be filled
with exotic coffee blends
and conversations about art that have no end
a brisk walk to take your mind off of things
a perfect song to bring you back again
tell me honest mother,
is it monet, or manet that you like? i can never remember

dear mother i know now that everyone has to fall
and everytime i have your hand always fit in mine
and now i always keep my head up
because you taught me better then to give up
i'll tell you honest mother,
im not scared anymore

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you said, "come on wake up"
its such a perfect day
i cant believe you'd want to spend it, with your eyes shut so tight
tell me is it cold
where you've gone
i had a dream, there was a tree on a hill
im sure its still a secret
you climbed to the top
where the branches gently sway in the wind
trying desperatly to hold you up
and right before they break,
you jumped into the sky in your barefeet

imagine all the places we can go
when we are no longer tethered
cant we just crawl into each other again
im getting cold here without you
with so much left, why cant you see
that you cant go just yet

i said, "why cant i wake up"
i dont want to sleep anymore
someone has nailed me to this bed
the walls are stark white and empty with sorrow
why is it so cold
where i am
can you see this tree, its on a hill
that im sure is still a secret
i'll climb to the top and tell you what it's like
the wind feels amazing on my barefeet
i can see everything from here,
every thought, every star
even the one we fell from
i can feel the pulse of all that is beneath my feet
and i can see you
and i know not a reason why you feel so alone
i am right next to you,
your heartbeat my own

think of the places we've gone
now that we are no longer tethered
lets crawl into each other
with everything we are
cant you see that i haven't gone anywhere

There's a weakness, in the window. I place my footprints, in the dark room

you know i really wish i could fall asleep. but i cant on account of my hip is keeping me conscious. this is what, 5 nights now of no sleep.

brilliant.

i figured out how to make the deli better. better as in gross profit and sales and junk like that. we need to fire 2 of the people there, move susie-Q to a different department, and hire 4 people that work like i do, and put into effect a system of structure. steve and teri are nice people, but they dont do a damn thing back there. they always leave early, most of the time leaving their messes behind or not finishing what they should. and everyday i have to spend at least 30 minutes cleaning said messes and finishing said projects so that i can start my shift of hell. susie-Q is the sweetest lady ever, but she's too burned out for the deli. i hate to say that, because she's worked back there for 14 years. but she's not capable of handling it. she gets flustered too easily, mostly by steve, and then is no good for the rest of the day. finding 4 people who work as hard as i do, have my dedication and willingness to do anything to make that deli the best department is going to be hard. i think eventually i'll just clone myself. and finally this system of structure i am developing is something im taking from my old boss kim, from rockabelly's. she had a list of shift duties for everyone. the opener had his list, the 8 - 5 or whatever had theirs and so on. everything will be divided amongst all who work that day evenly. sounds simple enough. but for some reason nobody does anything to help anyone else. and i am left with everything at the end of the night. donna, my manager is overworked and stressed out all the time. mike bubon the so called deli manager is an idiot and doesn't listen to us.
oh, you want to know why my hip hurts so bad?
well our refrigerated case that displays our meat leaks. on the side we stand. our store director wont pay to have it fixed, it isn't a problem for our customers so its fine. so we put towels down to soak up the water that continuously leaks throughout the day. theres not much room back there and i am always racing around back there trying to get things done and have slipped several times. another thing he wont pay to have fixed is one our refrigerated cabinets we have in our little island that we used to keep our extra sliced cheeses. now we have to keep them in our back cooler. on a usual night in our busiest time it takes me at least 2 minutes to run back to get cheese because i've run out up front. thats 2 minutes my customer doesn't want to wait so they say, no dont worry about it, i'll just get cheese from the wall. thats a lost sale. we are the worst department in the entire store. i wonder why.
and if thats not bad enough, 90% of the customers who come in are the rudest people. they have no sense of respect for anyone. it is the saddest 8 hours of my day.
i dont understand why people find it hard to be happy. and why they find the need to make others feel just as horrible as they do. i do everything possible to make people happy. i figure if i can make at least one person smile each day, then its a good day. someday i will be able to record my music. my music is going to make people happy. and i am going to do my part in changing the world.
ok i need your creative ideas people. i want to re-propose to kristina. mom is sending me some diamonds from an old ring and im going to see how much it would be to have them put in a ring. i want to plan something really unique and ooey gooey romantic. because im a complete hopeless romantic. if you have any cool ideas let me know.
i think im going to clean the bathroom. we've started cleaning the house again. im slowly working on getting the bathroom done. im cleaning the cigarette smoke residue from all the walls and tile. then i will spackle the holes and cracks. then sand, then paint. its going to be a teal blue. an ocean for kristina. im turning into my mother. its awesome.
im so excited for this coming monday. kristina and i are going to drive up to okaboji lake for a night. its one of 7 blue lakes on the earth. and its only 3 hours away. hell yeah.
so things between kristina and i are going really good. i kinda messed up a little, but we're doing good.
i have a ghost in my house. possibly two. more on that subject when i've gathered more info.
perhaps i will try and fall asleep. in 3 hours my alarm will be going off trying to awaken me to begin cleaning out the basement. drat.
well goodnight world. see you tomorrow.

cannot sleep,

what do you do when you cant sleep. when your mind cant rest. too many thoughts race with no direction. i cant stop on one long enough to try to begin to understand it. there are plans to be made. thoughts and music to write down. but until then i need sleep. i need peace of mind and soul. once that happens everything falls into place. i drift in and out of my realities. cannot settle on just one. someday i will let you join me.